Living with depression is such a finicky thing. Each day is different from the last and will be to the next. You can’t explain it to people because there are no words. How do you put into words the feeling of being in a tornado of chaos when everything around you is absolutely and completely fine and in order?
I’ve dealt with it for 20 years now. It’s a process that doesn’t seem to have an end. There was a poignant moment in my life when I was 13 and told my mother at 10:00 at night that I would not be going to school the next day. I remember the night I called the emergency hotline at a local hospital and made an appointment for myself for the next day. That phone call probably saved me. The first of many times.
But it is during those dark and completely clouded days that I can find myself. Sitting in the dark, surrounded by the light of numerous candles and sad music, I find what I seem to lose at other times…my voice. And the ability to express feelings that otherwise would stay hidden.
I’m not crazy. I can’t control it. The maddening thing about depression for me is that my triggers change based on my life circumstances. The Divorce has triggered feelings and issues I never would have thought would be a problem. I am suddenly awkward around others. Being around people who are happy all the time is pure torture. Being around people who are mad all the time is painful.
I have purposely not dated yet because I don’t want anyone to see this complicated side of me. I don’t want to meet anyone who won’t be able to hold me while I bawl hysterically for no reason and continue to love me anyway. In fact, I am not sure I even believe that exists. Time will tell.
Depression knows no age limits, no race, no income status, or sex. I am grateful that since Robin Williams death, people are more apt to at least talk about it. It’s life – just with a complication that needs to be reigned in once in awhile.
I take it one day at a time and devote everything I have to my children when I can. They make me happy. They keep me sane. They are my lifesavers.
Encourage, engage, entertain, and foster the discussion. The stigma needs to go away.
So to those who see me on bad days – I’m sorry. It’s only a moment in time. My black hole will soon be filled with candlelight and once again my voice will ring loud and clear.
365 Pieces Of My Life 
💕 I just want to say that I am glad you are finding your voice and finding yourself. I completely agree that depression is a horrible thing, and the stigma that goes with it causes people so much more pain.
I’ve not suffered from it myself, but lost one of my very best friends because of his battle with it and his disbelief that his voice/ his life was worth something.
So, I want you to know that I am and will be thinking of you and praying for you. I don’t always have the right words of encouragement to say, but I am sending positive thoughts and love.