An Open Letter To The “Next One”

You may or may not exist yet, but one thing I know for sure, is that the thought of you is already very real. Real in his world, and real in mine.

He will fall in love with you. And he will fall quickly. He has a huge heart and will do whatever he can for you. He will buy you cards, make you lunch, and hold you all night. He will fly into the house after work to kiss you and you will melt in his arms. He will take you out and he will promise you the world.

And you will belong to him.

He is emotional and when he cries, let him. It’s the best way to see his true feelings. He will get upset, but never mad. He will treat you like the princess you are.

But…he may forget.

He may forget how he felt when he wrote those cards. What he felt when he kissed you for the first time.

Remind him.

Then remind him again.

Be a strong woman and insist on what you need out of your relationship.

I didn’t and I gave up.

I want to get one thing straight. I will never hate you, speak ill of you, or dislike you. But I will be jealous of you. Afterall, you are getting the things that I’ve required for the last 8 years.

I look forward to getting to know you, and ask only one thing. Be patient with me. And him. We will be connected forever through the two boys that give us both a reason to keep moving forward. I may call him from one to numerous times a day if it has to do with our children. Please don’t be threatened by me. I will never intrude in your life and if I am told it’s not a good time, unless it’s an emergency, I will oblige.

Love him back. As much as you’re capable. I promise you, you will never regret it.

My final thought: If you are so inclined to hurt me in any way possible, I will forgive you. But if you ever hurt my little boys, prepare for one heck of a family chat. I will never, ever let them get hurt in any way and will keep them safe as long and as much as I can. Love them like your own and it won’t be an issue.

Be Careful, It’s A Trap

Living with depression is such a finicky thing.  Each day is different from the last and will be to the next.  You can’t explain it to people because there are no words.  How do you put into words the feeling of being in a tornado of chaos when everything around you is absolutely and completely fine and in order?

I’ve dealt with it for 20 years now.  It’s a process that doesn’t seem to have an end.  There was a poignant moment in my life when I was 13 and told my mother at 10:00 at night that I would not be going to school the next day.  I remember the night I called the emergency hotline at a local hospital and made an appointment for myself for the next day.  That phone call probably saved me.  The first of many times.

But it is during those dark and completely clouded days that I can find myself.  Sitting in the dark, surrounded by the light of numerous candles and sad music, I find what I seem to lose at other times…my voice.  And the ability to express feelings that otherwise would stay hidden.

I’m not crazy.  I can’t control it.  The maddening thing about depression for me is that my triggers change based on my life circumstances.  The Divorce has triggered feelings and issues I never would have thought would be a problem.  I am suddenly awkward around others.  Being around people who are happy all the time is pure torture.  Being around people who are mad all the time is painful.

I have purposely not dated yet because I don’t want anyone to see this complicated side of me.  I don’t want to meet anyone who won’t be able to hold me while I bawl hysterically for no reason and continue to love me anyway.  In fact, I am not sure I even believe that exists.  Time will tell.

Depression knows no age limits, no race, no income status, or sex.  I am grateful that since Robin Williams death, people are more apt to at least talk about it.  It’s life – just with a complication that needs to be reigned in once in awhile.

I take it one day at a time and devote everything I have to my children when I can.  They make me happy.  They keep me sane.  They are my lifesavers.

Encourage, engage, entertain, and foster the discussion.  The stigma needs to go away.

So to those who see me on bad days – I’m sorry.  It’s only a moment in time.  My black hole will soon be filled with candlelight and once again my voice will ring loud and clear.