Judgement

How dare you sit there in judgement of me.  Don’t you know there is only One that can judge me?

I don’t have to answer to you.

I don’t care what you think.

You can’t hurt me.

Tough words, huh?

Too bad I don’t believe them.

I sit in judgement of myself.  I look in the mirror and see how desperately broken I am.  I don’t know who I am.  I don’t know what I want.  How dare I let anyone else bring me further down?

And yet I do.  I have pulled away from everyone.  Every friend I have.  Even my closest.  I trust no one.  My own brother won’t reach out to me.  I hear it is because he “doesn’t know what to say.”  How about something alone the lines of “How are you?”

It doesn’t take much to hurt me these days. A wrong look or an innocent enough comment is enough to undo any progress I’ve made with myself.

You can ask me how I’m doing.  Just be prepared for me to lie.  I’ve tried the honesty route.

So, piece number one of my jagged mirror examined. I will no longer look at people and judge without knowing the facts. As others are currently doing to me.

In order to work on myself I have to work on how I treat others if I expect others to treat me better.

I challenge all of you to do the same.

The Mirror

 

When you look in the mirror what do you see?

Look harder.  Now what do you see?

Look hard enough and you see flaws in your appearance.

Look even harder.  Stare in to your eyes.  Now what do you see?

Bigger flaws.  Flaws deep down in your soul.

I blame myself.  I am punishing myself.  I don’t like who I have become.

I hate the mirror.

Divorce is never easy.  It seems people assume that because you instigate a divorce you gave up or were over it.  Neither is further from the truth.

Unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, be them heels, boots, sneakers, or flip flops, you have no right to judge me.  If you had, you would see the struggle, the fight, the tears and the hopelessness I’ve felt.  I didn’t take the easy way out.  I fought and fought.

We’ve all heard it.  “No one said marriage was easy.”  I knew it took work.  What I came to realize is that no relationship should not take as much work as I was putting into them, be it a marriage or a friendship.  I fought hard.  Numerous times.  In the end you have to choose which path is best for you and your future.

I have abandoned myself.  I don’t know who I am.  I’ve lost my identity.  I am no longer a wife.  The only title I have for myself these days remains as “Mommy.”  While I love that title, what else am I?

I’ve sacrificed so much.  Great jobs came and went.  Hobbies couldn’t be joined.  I am nowhere near my family.  I stay in Quincy for my children and my job.  But isn’t there suppose to be more to life?

The biggest obstacle for me has been that I love the man…even today.  To my core.  And he can move on.  He already has in a way.  I let him.  Only to discover my already broken heart shattered .  In 365 pieces.

Like a mirror that cracks and breaks, my heart has done same thing.  I am broken.  My insides are sharp.  You can’t glue a mirror back together.

I am not writing this for sympathy.  I am not writing this for attention.  Rather I am writing this because writing is a gift.  Writing is what I studied.  It is the gift God gave me.  It is my greatest strength.  The ability to express myself when my vocal words fail.  I also write because I like to believe my thoughts or stories can help someone else.  I feel alone.  And I know there has to be others out there that feel the same.  What we all need to realize, in one way or another, is that we really aren’t.

Starting today, I will be take a deep breath and try to dry my tear stained cheeks.  I will attempt to move forward one day at a time.  Aptly named, my blog will chronicle my journey for the next 365 days of truth seeking.  Each piece will be picked up and examined.  A new coping mechanism will be formed and the days that follow will bring new healing to each broken piece.  Like a mirror, some pieces are bigger than others.  The bigger pieces will be easy to fix.  The smaller ones will take time.

And so my journey begins with a single question.

Now what?